French for ...?
I'm making an attempt to reacquaint myself with the French language. My read du jour is a phrasebook published by Lonely Planet, and it is chock full of practical, helpful and essential phrases for survival and happiness in the Gallic regions.
However, that's not in the least bit interesting. What is interesting, in fact hilarious, is L.P.'s section on l'amour. Ladies and gentlemen, a primer for the modern tourist:
First you need to sound out your prospective partner. To this end, it is useful to be able to recognise the following phrases:
She is a babe / bitch / hot girl
He is a hot guy / prick (vraiment!)
He / she gets around.
And as things progress:
You have a beautiful body
Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend / fetish?
And if they don't progress:
You're disturbing me
Your ego is out of control!
As a result of your research, should you then find yourself entwined in the arms of a Frenchman who needs a little coaching in the bedroom (I know they're all reputed to be brilliant lovers, but just suppose), a quick study of this chapter will enable you to give basic directions with complete confidence. I will spare you most of them, but here are a few must-haves:
Let's use (a condom)
Harder / softer / faster / slower
That was amazing / great / weird
I think we should stop now
Easy tiger!
and my personal favourite:
Don't worry, I'll do it myself.
Of course the funniest thing here is actually the bizarre thought of calling a temporary halt to proceedings while you look up the appropriate phrase in your trusty book.
But we must move on - now we are ready for the next page, where we have progressed from sex to love. Yes, I think it's the wrong way round too but I'm not in their target demographic. Call me old-fashioned, but if your relationship is still dependent on a pocket phrasebook for basic communication, perhaps Let's move in together! is a little premature? As for Will you marry me?, words fail - in any language.
Finally, and perhaps not surprisingly, we come to the section on Les Problemes. Skipping past Are you seeing someone else? and I never want to see you again, we have the classic You're just using me for sex. (Well, if you can't actually have a conversation ...)
Assez - enough for now. I'm off to study the other sections in the Social chapter: Repeat after me: C'est uniquement pour mon usage personnel: "This drug is for personal use ..."
Photo: The unbelievably fabulous Brassai.
posted by MargieCM at 8:47 am
20 Comments:
alors ma gonzesse, ma frangine, tu m'tiens chaud! tu viens boire un coup avec moi en Paris? ;)
j'espere that you're well!
moi
Bien, merci mon ami. I would write "cheeky sod", but Lonely Planet has let me down badly there.
"Gonzesse" has me worried though - is this a female version of Gonzo? Once again, LP has spent too much time telling me how to ask creatively for contraceptives and not enough time on the basics.
Jolly bon to see you around these parts, anyway.
Paul, absolument oui on all counts! Ooh, I love a man who can speak argot with such panache. I see that you are going to get into all the right kinds of trouble in Paris. as they say in the brothels, bon plaisir!
Margie, I love the line about self-serve! It must read something like: Laisse faire, je m'en occupe toute seule.
Priceless book by the sounds of it.
xx
AM
Oh, and just FYI- A gonzesse is slang for a woman (a chick, so to speak). I love the sound of it, always have.
Thanks Anne Marie! Je comprend rather better now. I think.
The "do-it-myself" line is actually written as T'inquiete pas, je fais ca tout seul". Do I have a duff book then???
Vat ez dis tork?..oops! that was german..
Wat ezzz theez torkieen?..see i do speek french..awehawhehaw!..
heres a joke..
Frenchman, Englishman and Claudia Schiffer
Frenchman, Englishman and Claudia Schiffer travelling by train through Provence. The train enters a tunnel and the lights go out. Then came a kissing noise followed by the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train exited the tunnel, Claudia and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman was holding his cheek. The Frenchman thought 'That Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia was thinking: 'The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Englishman was thinking: 'Great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.'
J'aime vraiment amour cela brassai image..
Incroyable! Magnifiique! Paul is indeed un peu notteee Margie, but I fear you'll miss each other by a few months anyway, so that chaud homme might have cooled off a bit by then.
This is priceless! I want the book immediately for my next sally into the realms of gallic society. Since we go to Wallonia quite frequently, it would certainly do something to stir up the rather more turgid and dour Belgians..haha!
The 'I'll do it myself' line had me spluttering over my cup of coffee...maybe the French are not the experts in amour they would have us believe...thanks for making me laugh Margie xxx
Hahaha, this is truly a brilliant discovery. You had me in tears. :-)
Along with the dangers posed by having to refer to your phrasebook in the middle getting acquianted with a likely candidate, I foresee another problematic issue: the average visitor who carries a Lonely Planet guide will stay a few weeks at most. That's quite fast action, to proceed from meeting someone to sex to marriage to problems in the said marriage within such a short period of time. Still, it's nice that Lonely Planet takes all possible scenarios into account. :-)
Margie, no duff there. There are many ways of announcing that you're taking matters into your own hands, so to speak. ;)
xx
AM
Haha Maria, you have a very good point there. That would be fast work indeed, but then you know what those beaux Francais are like...kings of romance, or so they say.....or believe...of themselves...
Oh la la!
C'est vraiment drole...
I was flying from Edmonton, where I was going to college, home to Montreal in 1976.
My friend and I were quite curious as to who these big fellows in fur coats and beaver pelt hat were on our flight.
As it turns out, we were flying with the Russian Red Army hockey team - it was during an exciting Canada vs Russia series.
We found ourselves in hysterics listening to a couple of big Russians across the aisle practicing their English.
"Are you free tonight?" was a particular favourite.
Spoken in a very thick Russian accent, mind you.
Gonzesse?
Thanks for the explanation, AM, I thought it might have been a verification word...
Bonjour mes enfants! Hope you've all been practising hard - if not your French, then your Frenchmen-slapping! Loved the joke Gypsy. Glad you liked the photo. I think it's one of my favourite Brassai images. Iconic and, well, generally stunning.
Vally if I see another copy of the book I'll send it to you! Much of it is disappointingly mainstream and useful, but the best bits make up for that. Glad it made you giggle.
Maria - good point! Today's tourist must be scarily efficient if that's the case; no time for cameras, maps and walking tours! No, it's straight to the nearest bar to scout out the talent, back to the hotel and you're ordering the wedding invitations before the taxi picks you up to go back to the airport. No messing about.
Kings of romance Vally? Hmm, as you said earlier, if the DIY line is anything to go by, maybe not!
Dale, loved your story about the Russians! I asked Mads about gonzesse too - she picked up a lot of "street" French and teenage slang when she was on exchange, but she'd never heard that one either. She told me aabout a few others though, which mercifully I've now forgotten.
When I was fifteen, I was in Salzburg on a school madrigal group tour, and while waiting for a bus to the concert venue, a big burly Austrian came up to me, patted me on the shoulder and after pointing first at me and then to himself he put both hands together at the side of his face and closed his eyes. The message was clear without a word being spoken! As for me, I blushed scarlet and ducked off - assuming of course that my message was also clear...no way José!
Margie we share a love of Brassai..I would have all his pictures but some are harder to get..
In school we had to do our register call out in french, when your name was called you had to say your number in french, mine was 27..vingt sept..I wanted to be number two so i could go durrrr..lol..
and you're still 27, gypsy?
Yes!. some days Dale..
Vally - some languages are universal, yes? Mind you, if anyone tried that with a schoolgirl today, he'd be arrested before you even had time to blush!
Durrr Gypsy! Haha. I bet you'd have done it brilliantly too. Let me tell you, a class full of 11-year-old Aussie accents going "Ern, dur, twa" was pretty horrible though.
Dale - I haven't looked at Gypsy's profile lately - is she 27, 14 or 101 these days? I need to know, as I'm loath to corrupt a young lass.
I had two years of French in high school, back in 1971 and 1972.
It would be a long walk back for me to try and speak the French I never really could in the first place!
Good for you.
--Dan l.
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