Toads!

A bit of unnatural history for you today. Feeling comfy?

Good. Then we'll begin:

Although we're pretty vigilant now, in the past Australia has had an odd habit of introducing animals and plants which, frankly, were absent from this huge island continent for a reason. These include rabbits and foxes (brought over by early settlers for food and "sport", respectively), camels (for desert transport), water buffalo (for meat), and prickly pear, which was brought out with the first fleet together with the cochineal insects which feed off it and were used to create fabric dyes. All these things are now feral and in plague proportions, and do immeasurable harm to native flora and fauna.

One of the worst, however, is the Cane Toad. This handsome beastie was introduced to the Australian food chain in 1935 to control two insects which were devastating the important Northern sugar cane crops. Probably seemed like a good idea at the time. Unfortunately, these guys, unlike the vast majority of frogs and toads, are really hardy little buggers. They thrive and breed with an enthusiasm and efficiency which is truly awe-inspiring. They also like to travel. Intended for far Northern Australia, they have now come almost right down the Eastern coastline and are travelling inland.

This morning's paper carried the news that one has just been found in a suburban back-yard in Melbourne where I live (it's in Victoria; the little funny-shaped state above the island state of Tasmania on the map I pinched from a Government environmental info site well I pay my taxes so I figure I'm entitled). This is not good.

The problem with cane toads (besides the fact that they make a terrible mess when you squash them) is that they eat almost anything they can fit into their mouths; small lizards and snakes, marsupials, native frogs and their tadpoles, insects - even pet food that's left out. In addition, although some birds and animals have learned not to eat them, many are a bit slower on the uptake, and these guys are seriously toxic. Poison-secreting glands on their shoulders guarantee a nasty death through heart failure for any creature who fancies them as lunch. We lose many native animals and also domestic pets this way - even a few licks or an exploratory nibble can be enough to kill. Children living in cane toad country are taught early on that the only way to deal with them involves a blunt object or a stout pair of boots.

Apart from these one-meal martyrs, (some species of which are now threatened), the cane toad has no natural predators - at least any that can come back for seconds. People are encouraged to clobber any cane toads they see, collect and destroy their tadpoles (unfortunately many native taddies are culled in the process if it's done by well-meaning amateurs), and even bundle them into freezer bags and put them on ice til they lose consciousness and die humanely (you reckon?).

Apart from that, what's the plan? Introduce another predator? Well, yes, but in viral form this time. Scientists are serching for a cane-toad-specific virus which will take them out like some sort of biological neutron bomb and leave all other creatures unaffected. Hmmm. I think we've been down this path before ...

Perhaps a community-driven eradiacation campaign is what's really needed. I'm already working on lyrics for the jingle:

If you see a knobbly toad

Run it over on the road

If it's sitting on the mat

Bash it with a cricket bat

If it's swimming in your pool

Hold it under (though it's cruel)

If it's basking in the yard

Close your eyes and stomp real hard

If you are a farmer / grower

Run it over with the mower

If your doggie tries to tease it

Whack it in a bag and freeze it

Do it nicely, please be kind,

And if it's quick the toad won't mind.

What do you think - a winner?